An effect of trauma
Fear of becoming them
The fear that what was done to you is something you will end up doing. Watching yourself for signs of it. Flinching at your own raised voice. Avoiding having children, or holding yourself so far back from the ones you have that you cannot be close to them. Reading ordinary frustration as proof of something terrible in you. This fear tends to be strongest in the people least likely to cause the harm they are afraid of, because caring this much about it is not how harm usually works.
Watching yourself this closely is exhausting, and it is worth knowing that the watching itself is evidence. The people who cause this kind of harm are generally not the ones lying awake afraid of causing it. That does not make the fear go away on its own, and it does mean it can be worked with rather than obeyed. Plenty of people here have broken the pattern they were most afraid of.
It can sound like
If any of those sentences live in your head too, you are in good company here.
Nothing on this page is a diagnosis, and nothing here decides what is wrong with you, because nothing is wrong with you. Something happened to you. This page exists so that when you are ready, you can find people who understand it from the inside.
You do not have to carry this alone.
Bridge of Hope Recovery is a free, anonymous, peer-led fellowship for trauma survivors. Meetings run throughout the week by phone, by video, and in person. No cost, no waitlist, no one asking for your real name.