An effect of trauma
Violent thoughts
Images and urges about hurting someone, arriving without invitation. Sometimes about people you love, which is the version that frightens people most. Picturing it in detail and being horrified. Checking yourself constantly for signs that you might act. For most people carrying this, the thoughts are exactly the opposite of what they want, which is why they land so hard. Thoughts and actions are different things, and living with these in silence is its own kind of harm.
The distress these cause is usually the clearest sign that they are not what you are afraid they are. Thoughts that horrify you are a poor guide to what you would do. Saying them out loud to somebody who does not flinch tends to take a surprising amount of the power out of them. If the urges are becoming plans, that is a different situation and it needs help today rather than a journal entry.
It can sound like
If any of those sentences live in your head too, you are in good company here.
Nothing on this page is a diagnosis, and nothing here decides what is wrong with you, because nothing is wrong with you. Something happened to you. This page exists so that when you are ready, you can find people who understand it from the inside.
You do not have to carry this alone.
Bridge of Hope Recovery is a free, anonymous, peer-led fellowship for trauma survivors. Meetings run throughout the week by phone, by video, and in person. No cost, no waitlist, no one asking for your real name.